When I was
in primary school, I had a habit in “Creative Writing”
classes of throwing all meaning of the lesson to one side,
by blatantly stealing characters and plots from the stories
of other classmates and passing them off as my own.
20 years on and nothing has changed, what with me using video blogs from more talented reviewers to add extra weight to my own inferior writings.
Far worse however, there are those who run their own businesses devoted to ripping off movies, in what are known in greater circles as Mockbusters.
In this blog post I aim to extract the wizz out of live action rip-offs,
most of them released very close to when the original films
hit the big screen.
classes of throwing all meaning of the lesson to one side,
by blatantly stealing characters and plots from the stories
of other classmates and passing them off as my own.
20 years on and nothing has changed, what with me using video blogs from more talented reviewers to add extra weight to my own inferior writings.
Far worse however, there are those who run their own businesses devoted to ripping off movies, in what are known in greater circles as Mockbusters.
In this blog post I aim to extract the wizz out of live action rip-offs,
most of them released very close to when the original films
hit the big screen.
And starting us off, a movie that may make Michael Bay’s
efforts look credible.
Transmorphers (2007) Reviewed by Matthew Buck
First up, an
infamous offering from the Asylum Studios, which quite frankly is where the
staff of said studios should be sent.
Aiming to short change the DVD-buying audience, their knock offs have not just been derided by many film buffs, but have also caused rifts with the bigger studios if the threat of legal action by Fox is anything to go by
over the Asylum’s “The Day The Earth Stopped”.
Aiming to short change the DVD-buying audience, their knock offs have not just been derided by many film buffs, but have also caused rifts with the bigger studios if the threat of legal action by Fox is anything to go by
over the Asylum’s “The Day The Earth Stopped”.
However I’ve
opted to dissect the nonsensical knock-off
that is “Transmorphers” where I suppose the question here is
how do you fuck up a fuck up?
Well, here’s a few choice pointers,
that is “Transmorphers” where I suppose the question here is
how do you fuck up a fuck up?
Well, here’s a few choice pointers,
- the
incredibly wooden acting, sound effects stolen from the
Doom video games, - an unnecessary overdose of strobe lighting,
- CGI that looks like it was half inched off of the titles to the late 80s Channel 4 magazine show “Wired”
And most embarrassing of all, badly designed weapons
that don’t even have triggers.
Adding insult to injury, we don’t even see the robots change shape,
in favour of the actors describing the “transmorphation”.
As for the scaling continuity errors, well it’s only a guess
that they hired Spinal Tap to design the set.
Worst of all however is Leigh Scott’s rotten portrayal
of women soldiers in the most sexist way possible
with a tacked on lesbian kiss, adding sod all to the main plot.
I don’t know how to sum this up as there are
no likeable characters, dozens of plotholes and not one
original idea in sight.
Actually, that pretty much says it all.
A mockbuster this bad is worthy of another review for added humiliation,
this time from Cinemax.
Partly because I love his voice.
The Little Cars In The Great Race (2006) Reviewed by Nate Franklin
There are tons of animated knock-offs I could have ridiculed,
but I’ve opted for one from Brazilian studio “Video Brinquedo”.
A sort of animated “Asylum” as they base their trade on completely
knocking off CGI animations from either Disney, Pixar, Dreamworks,
or any other animation studio who they want to steal the success of.
Inevitably failing of course.
This offering had me laughing as it looks less like
an animated movie, and more like a “let’s play” of Mario Kart 64
released on DVD, what with the synth brass theme and
badly detailed backgrounds.
(Not a dig at Nintendo I hasten to add)
If there’s one golden rule when making an animated mockbuster,
then it’s to push any traces of effort or innovation right out of the window.
And to achieve that effect even further, simply cast a bunch of
voice actors who didn’t turn up to the acting classes where they
were taught about conveying emotions.
Come to think of it, I don’t think any of the voice actors
have even taken a bleeding grammar lesson.
Theyappeartospeakinonelongsentencewithnopunctuation
whatsoevermysteriouscitiesofgold
Sorry, I got distracted there.
If all that wasn’t torturous enough there’s also a hacked in
rendition of “Born To Be Wild”, that may be the worst
performance I have heard of that song in a movie, since er….
Quite frankly, getting run over would be a far less painful experience
than sitting through this tripe.
And I won’t even mention the sequels that followed…
Alien Vs Hunter (2007) Reviewed by Josh Hodgetts
Another one from the Asylum, and yet another embarrassment
with the intention of fooling anyone who would be idiotic
to mistake this for “Alien Vs Predator: Requiem”.
Let’s see, there’s under-developed characters,
mangled dialogue, and a main lead who looks like
Gary Oldman if he'd had a seizure.
And if that isn’t shambolic enough, there’s also more
intentionally impressive, realistically hilarious CGI effects
that had me having to pause the movie to get myself back
from laughing.
But not even that is enough for me to render this Mockbuster
as “so bad it’s good”.
boring and unlikeable, there’s a stupid yellow filter dominant
throughout the whole film, and an awful lot of padding.
You can sense that all Scott Harper and David Michael Latt
had on their mind was “we gotta get this done before
the real Alien Vs Predator comes out!”
I can only describe this as a fruitcake of a movie with hardly any fruit.
Sunday School Musical (2008) Reviewed by Matthew Buck
and Todd Nathanson
Last in my
list of shame, a film from the Asylum’s sister studio Faith Films.
A studio providing movie knock offs with you’ve guessed it,
a religious subtext.
And what better than to rip off an already irritating
Disney franchise, and release it at the same time as
the final movie in the tedious trilogy, yet this mockbuster
shows very little in the way of subtlety in terms of marketing.
But as far as the front cover goes, that’s where the similarities end
as the movie as a whole is a dull depressing religious wreck.
A studio providing movie knock offs with you’ve guessed it,
a religious subtext.
And what better than to rip off an already irritating
Disney franchise, and release it at the same time as
the final movie in the tedious trilogy, yet this mockbuster
shows very little in the way of subtlety in terms of marketing.
But as far as the front cover goes, that’s where the similarities end
as the movie as a whole is a dull depressing religious wreck.
As someone
who despises religion disguised as entertainment,
this had me screaming into my quilt cover, the second I saw
the new-jack-swing version of “This Little Light Of Mine”.
Probably because at an earlier age I was tortured by a version
of that song my mum had on a C-90 tape of The Seekers
which also included such delights as “Morningtown Ride”,
“Chilly Winds” and a “Hooray For Everything” style rendition
of Bob Dylan’s “Blowin’ In The Wind”.
this had me screaming into my quilt cover, the second I saw
the new-jack-swing version of “This Little Light Of Mine”.
Probably because at an earlier age I was tortured by a version
of that song my mum had on a C-90 tape of The Seekers
which also included such delights as “Morningtown Ride”,
“Chilly Winds” and a “Hooray For Everything” style rendition
of Bob Dylan’s “Blowin’ In The Wind”.
Digressing,
that song in its defense may be the only
memorable melodic offering in this film as the rest of the songs
are dull, unmemorable and, I can’t believe I‘m writing this,
actually achieve the impossible of having you long
for Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens to make an appearance.
memorable melodic offering in this film as the rest of the songs
are dull, unmemorable and, I can’t believe I‘m writing this,
actually achieve the impossible of having you long
for Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens to make an appearance.
As no matter how annoying the Disney movies are, you cannot deny
that they have more energy than this empty, depressing doppelganger.
Empty, because most of the exterior scenes are absent of extras
giving no sense of atmosphere, though I guess most people would
have sense not to attend a school leaning heavily
towards the bible belt.
And it doesn’t take a genius to work out why this film is depressing,
with its overly melancholy storyline.
Not Gobbolino melancholy, but dour to the point where you
don’t care for any of the main characters and their
petty traumas.
In the tradition of a mockbuster, not only is the Disney franchise
knocked off, but there’s also a barrage of scenes involving the
strangely familiar setting of a rooftop, and unconvincing dialogue.
You know you’ve hit a new low when you’re ripping off “The Room”.
To date this has been the only release from Asylum’s Faith Films division,
and five years on, the only blessing in this sense has been
the void of films made by them since.
