trick or treaters arriving at the door, I'm back to showcase
a selection of big screen scares that turned out to be shite.
In most cases, turning horror into hilarity.
Expect plenty of badly designed costumes, grotty visual effects
unconvincing acting, and camerawork that even someone high
on caffeine could do a better job handling.
If you're easily scared, then there's nothing really to worry about
but if easily offended, then you'd probably steer clear of the
squiggles below, as with the help of a series of witty online reviews,
I probe some of the worst horror movies to have got past the pitching
stage.
Troll 2 (1990) Reviewed by Brad Jones
First up, a world-renowned display of poor visual effects,
abysmal acting, and a big waste of popcorn.
Released straight-to-video in 1990, the title “Troll 2”
has no connections with the original 1986 “Troll” movie,
though the reasoning for its use was because the US distributors
wanted to make the film more marketable.
Surely the proposed title “Goblins” would have
less likely breached the trades descriptions act,
on the basis that no trolls appear in the film whatsoever.
The recipe for this shambles of a movie is down to
director Claudio Fragrasso’s poor understanding of
the English language, and a main cast made up of
people who originally signed up to be extras.
You’re never sure if some scenes are intended to be clever,
as I’m certain that the one when the family start
singing “Row Row Row Your Boat” may be a knowing homage
to a very similar moment from the
even more atrocious “Manos: The Hands Of Fate”.
What with it also appearing in the animated flop “We’re Back!
A Dinosaur’s Story” the song is clearly cursed with giving movies
the guarantee of being an unquestionable disaster.
And as for Big Lipped Alligator moments?
Well, first there’s the daughter’s dance routines,
which add little to the film’s plot, although the one thing
I got out of it (apart from a good laugh) was the fact
that the music is melodically identical to the
Gigapolis Zone on the Master System version of Sonic Chaos.
Not quite a conventional BLAM as there’s two such scenes, but in terms of contributing to the story, naff all.
And there's also the infamous popcorn scene which is made
even more ridiculous by the synth knock off of Joe Cocker's
"You Can Leave Your Hat On".
But for some reason I find myself warming to the Waits family,
possibly due to the film’s late 80s traits, and that it has
all the conventions of a “hilariocity”.
A term coined by online reviewer Chris Stuckmann
to describe a movie that’s so bad it’s bloody funny.
Later resulting in the documentary “Best Worst Movie”,
showing how Troll 2 went on to become a cult classic
for the wrong reasons.
In fact it’s worthy of another online review,
and one of my definite favourites this time from Phelous.
The Zelda references had me chortling.
Leprechaun (1993) Reviewed by Doug Walker and Brad Jones
If anything could turn one off from viewing this movie, it would
have to be the case which features a young Jennifer Anniston, and
Warwick Davies in what may be a more embarrassing role, than that of
himself in "Life's Too Short".
Though that may be me looking for an excuse to nitpick.
To be fair, there's quite a lot of other worthy targets such as
characters dying just on the sight of the Celtic creature,
or the ridiculous transitions that move from one scene, back
to that one scene.
The film therefore must have been yet another inspiration
for Tommy Wiseau.
Davies stars as the said Leprechaun, whilst Jennifer Anniston stars
as, well, herself.
Where her character moves into the house where the Leprechaun
is hidden,
Comic relief is attempted by a firm of house painters,
including a little kid named Alex who looks like Mara Wilson
if she'd had a sex change.
The main flaws of the film apart from the unlikeability
of the characters, are the unimaginative attempts to attack,
whether it's throwing a stick in the middle of the woods hoping
it will knock the leprechaun out senseless, or torturing a man
to death by jumping on him with a pogo stick.
In comparison to Troll 2 there's no sense of warmth in this
movie that allows it to be classed as a "hilariocity".
"Annoyingocity" maybe a better description.
Camp Blood (1999) Reviewed by John Ashton
Now we're treading the ground of amateur atrocities.
And I couldn't find anything more embarrassingly stupid
than this straight-to-video shambles which has you questioning
whether it was meant to be intentionally bad, or just another
demonstration of lazy film making.
Lazy enough, not to want to alter the hue filter that's dominant
throughout the whole movie.
I can't comment on this to a great length myself as John's
review above does so in a hilariously blunt manner.
But I can honestly say that most of the short films I worked on at college
were of a far more professional standard that that of Camp Blood and
it's many sequels.
To think that even the first film got green lit.
"Street Trash" (1987) Reviewed by Josh Hodgetts
I made sure I saved the funniest
right up to the end,
because if you purchased the film expecting a fright fest,
then I’m afraid you’re on the receiving end something quite different.
This film is based in a town, home to a junkyard full of tramps,
a crafty liqueor store merchant,
and a copper who is completely useless.
The first 10 minutes is made up of an idiotic chase sequence,
badly written dialogue, and just overall stupidity
with explicit scenes thrown in.
The main premise of the film is a local liqueor salesman
discovering some rancid booze in the back of his store,
so he sells it the town’s bums for a buck per bottle,
and one sip results in them melting horrifically.
because if you purchased the film expecting a fright fest,
then I’m afraid you’re on the receiving end something quite different.
This film is based in a town, home to a junkyard full of tramps,
a crafty liqueor store merchant,
and a copper who is completely useless.
The first 10 minutes is made up of an idiotic chase sequence,
badly written dialogue, and just overall stupidity
with explicit scenes thrown in.
The main premise of the film is a local liqueor salesman
discovering some rancid booze in the back of his store,
so he sells it the town’s bums for a buck per bottle,
and one sip results in them melting horrifically.
And that’s about it in terms of the
film’s plot, as there’s
no real development for the next 90 or so minutes,
and in its place are scenes of rape, pissing on people,
borderline bestiality, and even necrophilia.
You know what, I wouldn't be surprised if this was one
of the films that Jimmy Savile masturbated to.
(Sorry. Though the c***flap himself was born on Halloween
so it sort of makes sense...)
But it sinks even lower as about an hour into the film,
one of the hobos hacks off another’s penis and
proceeds to use it in a game of catch.
no real development for the next 90 or so minutes,
and in its place are scenes of rape, pissing on people,
borderline bestiality, and even necrophilia.
You know what, I wouldn't be surprised if this was one
of the films that Jimmy Savile masturbated to.
(Sorry. Though the c***flap himself was born on Halloween
so it sort of makes sense...)
But it sinks even lower as about an hour into the film,
one of the hobos hacks off another’s penis and
proceeds to use it in a game of catch.
I shit you not.
Unlike most of the movies in this rundown however,
I wouldn’t recommend watching this in full on the back
of an amusing video review.
It’s dull, padded out terribly and lacks any logic at all.
So that's my rundown of horrific horror movies,
and I'm fully certain that you won't be having any nightmares.
Thanks for reading.
