But over the last 6 months the idea of me actually doing so
practically, has turned into a provider of stress and anxiety.
Within a space of a day, the one outlet for creativity and overall enjoyment
suddenly becomes none of those things whatsoever, and at this time
I'm confused as to what I want to get out of it.
Is it a stepping stone to a professional career in the industry,
or just something done as a hobby alongside a proper job?
The latter being something I've tried too hard to avoid,
even if it is the logical route.
An open question to anyone who presents a show that's
syndicated, or done as a hobby either in hospital, community, or student radio;
What is it that spurs them on to do so every week?
Where do they get the energy to present a radio show that's going
to be heard by few people if none at all?
And how is it possible to sound enthusiastic about songs or items
that they are recycling on air again and again?
I wouldn't want that to sound negative, (although it probably will).
But the idea of "doing radio" just fills me with unnecessary stress
and anxiety meaning I cannot think about anything else.
Worried that I'm putting a lot of thought into something disposable
in the same way as a meal.
Up to December last year I had my own radio show "Blam Jam"
on CSR FM in Canterbury.
Running for 7 years, it was a show that never really found it's identity
until around 2012/2013, becoming a weekly blend of present day
soul tunes and cutting spoken bits in between.
There was also the occasional interview now and again.
But just when I started to finally get the hang of it, I chose to knock it on the head
which confused many, but felt it was the right decision.
It couldn't compete amongst an array of soul shows playing similar
music on internet only stations, but spoken content was less about
the music being played, in favour of whoever just logged onto the station's
chatroom.
Even worth fading down a song halfway through to mention
their arrival, before whacking it back up again.
I struggled to develop a fanbase of my own, crucial in radio
these days, not helped by a soul scene in Canterbury being virtually
nonexistent.
If that's not the case I would love to find out, though maybe it's because
I find it hard to break ice at any social event with people I don't know
where it's impossible to actually communicate with them because the
music being played is just too fucking loud.
Though having attended events near me in Thanet I've come to realise
that I may love the music, but not the seaside postcard humour
that goes with it.
Or is that because of my Aspergers? I'd hate to use that as an excuse
as no one person with it is the same.
I agreed to stay at CSR in my role of head of production creating sweepers
and jingles for the station, which although productive and good for the station
I fell out of love with it.
A work placement I took at Wise Buddah's IMGR division reinforced
that the audio I produced though of a high standard for CSR and community
radio in general, was of a low standard to the bigger world of radio.
Tightly produced song intros, cleverly written scripts, maybe the world
of audio imaging is far too advanced for my abilities, as with fewer jobs
available, you're expected to be an expert in multiple skills learnt within
a very short space of time.
Or at least that's how it came across to me.
Not to mention that back at CSR it just felt very siloed.
Every show for themselves, and no sense of community within it all.
Which is all the more ironic being a community radio station.
I have had recommendations to take my show elsewhere including from
a former member of CSR now at a station in the Medway area, telling me
"they're always looking for presenters and the guy running it
is really in to what you do".
Or more realistically, really into what I would have been doing 5 years ago,
trying to be a poor man's "Serious Jockin", which maybe an oxymoron in itself.
The confusion between a "passion project" and dated self-indulgence.
In real life, 5 years ago I was very close to packing it in.
An outburst at a station in Folkestone due to anxiety caused me to take
three weeks away from CSR and an indefinite leave from the one in Folkestone.
Had I not attended an interview and then get accepted on to a work placement
at the indie Folded Wing, I may not have carried on chasing the radio
dream for a further five years.
I produced a podcast with them looking at my experience with bipolar
and more recently a two part interview with their company founder Karen P
who is amazing.
That may be down to it.
There's so many influential people in radio, but very few Karen Ps.
Those who are talented, but aren't toxic.
I even feel the need to joke about it in the second part of the podcast
at around 44.54.
Five years on it's happening again.
A much quieter, but still agonising spell of anxiety over what I want
to be doing in radio right now.
The lack of any collaborative work, and a struggle for self-motivation
being right at the front of it.
I have touched on the idea of syndication and presenting a show remotely.
I have the equipment, so why not give it a go?
Well, to be quite honest, I have hit a creativity block.
A lack of motivation and sudden loss of enjoyment for what I used
to like doing.
Recently I got cold feet at the idea of returning to CSR to a show playing oldies
from the last 6 decades, and struggled through a phone call to an internet station
designed solely for those with disabilities, all because of nerves and uncertainty
of what sort of show I would like to present for them.
There are others struggling to identify their strengths in radio
even if those strengths are obvious to those around them.
A very good friend who studied on my radio course at university, going on to make
brilliant documentaries for the BBC and hailed in the Guardian newspaper
as "radio through and through" felt out of love with the medium
for similar reasons to mine.
Anxiety and ongoing rejections, opting for a career in mental health nursing.
The answer to the question at the top of the blog post maybe that it
all comes down to the overall love for what it is, and not over-analyising it all.
Or worrying that it won't necessarily lead to bigger radio opportunities.
If I'm getting enjoyment out of presenting a makeshift radio show online,
then I should keep at it, if not, maybe it's finally time to stop.
Admit defeat and try something else that could provide personal
enjoyment and satisfaction.
Something which can be enjoyed without worrying about what everyone else is
thinking, which they probably aren't.
