Having torn apart many animated movies over the last few months,
I'm now attempting to do the same with live action films in a series
of blogs that could have warranted a more explicit title.
Once again these will be accompanied by video reviews of superior
hilarity to my written comments, and the first blog focuses on the
characters and franchises that attempted to make the leap from
the small screen to the big screen, inevitably resulting in a crash landing.
I suppose what makes a succesful TV to cinema cross-over
is not to drastically make changes to the point of insanity,
and staying true to the feel of the original show, gradually
raising it up a level.
The Inbetweeners Movie shined through that theory,
though Alan Partridge may be struggling in that area.
But the four films I have chosen to dissect have gone all out
to either tarnish what was a previously brilliant series,
or ruin further what was an already annoying show.
So to ease me away from my comfort zone, we start off with
an animation adaption that prompted me to re-write the
theme tune as, "No! Gadget No!".
Inspector Gadget (1999) Reviewed by Doug Walker
First up, a movie that the late Roger Ebert described as "new but
not improved".
The original Inspector Gadget cartoon is one I sort of enjoyed,
in a post-modern way, as a I was too young to fully appreciate
it when transmitted on ITV in the late 80s, but the clunkiness
and clumsiness has a charm that can be enjoyed in an ironic manner.
(And it had a great theme tune.)
Which I guess was the sort of approach Disney tried and failed
to implement, in their 1999 adaptation that makes the late 90s
spin off "Gadget Boy" look bearable.
Yes, if you're looking for over the top camp humour, forced
gags, half arsed character casting, and blatant unsubtle
product placement, then this movie has it all.
If you thought Matthew Broderick was annoying in "Godzilla"then his gormlessness knows no bounds as the main character
who never quite knows what manner to deliver his lines.
It's quite possible that Broderick never even saw a fucking
episode of the original animated series considering he was
twice the age of the target audience when it originally aired.
But in all fairness, Broderick isn't the most annoying actor
in this movie. That dishonour goes to D.L. Hughley who voices
Gadget's car.
This vehicle's no KITT...
For someone who loves sound effects, I really think
they went overboard to the point of patronising with
the wacky noises, laden at any given opportunity.
And what's with the scene transitions?
The original cartoon didn't need such tools to help the
story flow, so why insult the big screen audience's intelligence?
Adding salt into the metaphoric wound is the fact that Doctor
Claw actually shows his face, thus destroying the premise
of the original cartoon even further.
To me that's more offensive than what the sight of "Him Upstairs"
off of "The Trap Door" would reveal.
Finally, this may be me refusing to remove my rose-tinted spectacles,
but this film could have been saved if instead of using the half-arsed
song by boyband bombers "Youngstown", they went for this offering
from Five, from the days when there were actually 5 of them.
A hidden track on the band's "Invincible" album, this could
have been a big hit, with some additional production, and unlike
the Youngstown track, the lyrics are actually linked to the character
of Gadget, probably moreso than the film itself.
What with Matthew Broderick starring in it, the song
could have become the movie's "Deeper Underground".
Masters Of The Universe (1987) Reviewed by Doug Walker
Again like Gadget, another cartoon from the 80s that passed me
by, but having viewed it later on, the clunky animation and partronising
PSA's at the end of each episode dated it terribly.
Though unlike Inspector Gadget, the movie spin-off came out
nearer the time the original cartoon was at it's height, but that
doesn't mean it's any better.
From the opening sequence that bears absolutely no resemblance
to that of Superman, the standards are more or less set.
Playing our main hero is Dolph Lundgren who struggles to decide what
accent he's speaking in, whilst Courtney Cox manages to outdo
the embarrassment of her appearance in that Bruce Springsteen video,
via the use of a dreadful sub-plot.
One issue constantly picked on throughout the Nostalgia Critic's
review are the gay overtones.
It's safe to say that Eric Cartman would be throwing a fit if
he ever saw this film, due to the number of times the villains are
shot in the male genital area.
Overall what could have been a slick spin-off from the cartoon
series ended up turning into an overly camp big screen sitcom.
Which come to think of it, I am certain was the direct inspiration
for Michael Bay, when he went on to adapt the Transformer movies
though we'll cross that bridge later on.
Barney's Great Adventure (1998) Reviewed by Ben Thompson
and Simon Sanscartier
An easy target I know, but this is a figure who is hated more than
Osama Bin Laden, and Nick Griffin.
Any parents of small children in the 90s who were tortured
into waking up so early on a Saturday morning to sit through this tripe,
must have fainted at the thought of the purple dinosaur transferring
to the big screen.
To paraphrase the well known saying of the dinosaur,
the end result turned out to be "pooper-dee-scooper".
It could be worse mind. Worse as the thought of the purple
dinosaur performing live at the Radio City Music Hall.
But I digress.
I'm normally in favour of cutesy poo kids stuff as a guilty pleasure.
I love Ursula Moray Williams book of "Gobbolino The Witch's Cat",
and even an odd episode of "Tots TV" off of the 90s can provide
entertainment.
But this is just annoying. An extremely false overly-happy utopia
filled with coathanger smiles and the most irritating nursery rhymes,
and uninspired stereotyped characters.
Even the boy protagonist in the film is cynical at first towards the idea
of the dinosaur coming to life, which I suppose is the one redeeming mark of the movie, but that's impossible to get your head round, whilst trying to rid it of the near-paeodophilia song that opens the movie.
Consequently it ended up winning the Razzie for worst original song
that year.
The movie as you would expect is padded out with musical numbers
the worst of which being Barney, in an attempt to create a diversion
in fancy restaurant singing a jazzed up swing version of "If All The Raindrops".
If you're struggling to understand how cringey that is, then
just imagine him doing the exact same with "The Wheels On The Bus".
Yes, it's that bad.
Add to that, another "kid in a tractor moment" occurs, where a
solution to the problem could be resolved, but no fucker does
anything about it or even hint about taking action.
In this case it's the scene where the juggler is juggling with the egg
that the main characters are trying to find, and no one bothers
to ask him to stop.
My main bug with this film however, is that if it's aimed at
really young children, then why is the lighting low, and the
musical score of a sinister nature?
The reveal of the fully-grown Barney looks like it was half-inched
out of "Psycho".
Though I'm thinking on the other hand it could be a ploy
to discourage children from wanting to set their eyes on
the purple dinosaur, and therefore providing relief for their
mum's and dads.
But overall the underlying principle of the movie is
that miracles can occur and problems can be solved
if an individual uses their imagination.
Bollocks.
Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (2009) Reviewed by R.L. King
and Adam J
This really is the most shameful of spin offs.
An 80s animation resurrected, I mean fucked up by
Hollywood director/history fabricator/utter twazzock, Michael Bay.
A man revered by many film fans, not least myself after
being made at secondary school to sit through the dross
that was “Boremageddon”.
In the mid 00s, Bay took on the Transformers franchise
and pretty much ruined the legacy by turning the film into
what looked like an intentional parody, with wooden actresses,
sexual exploitation, and racially insensitive stereotypes thrown in.
But not content with that, Bay went further via the hiring of
Shia LeBitch in a humourless sub-plot reminiscent of a
bad family sitcom, that takes up more room in the movie
than the Transformers themselves.
They didn’t even resurrect the original theme tune,
which for many is the first thing that pops into their heads
upon the mention of Transformers.
But the real jumping-the-shark moment came in a scene
with the Autobot Bumblebee actually urinating on Agent Simmons.
I genuinely burst out laughing when seeing this, maybe because
of my juvenile sense of humour, but more realistically
because of the thought of a director sinking this low.
It’s as if he got the idea for the movie after watching the pisstake
of it on ITV’s late 80s children’s comedy “Round The Bend”.
Yet millions seemed to love it, so Bay returned in 2009
with a sequel that was even worse.
Once again, not even the original voice of Optimus Prime
was enough to save it.
This time round, the 150 minute rapefest takes things to a new low
with a plot that has more holes than a golf course,
incomprehensible action scenes, and even more unfunny toilet humour.
If you thought John Tuturro getting a golden shower was bad,
well in this sequel we see him in his underpants from his behind.
Though then again, the sight of his arse is nowhere near repulsive
as Tommy Wiseau’s.
Perhaps most offensive of all is not content with human caricatures,
two of the Transformers themselves are portrayed as racist stereotypes.
You have to wonder if Michael Bay had been talking to the writers
of the 1994 megaflop “North” to come up with such ill-thought characters.
The list of flaws within this film could make up a
whole bloody great big book, so sticking to my blog’s radio roots,
here’s Wittertainment’s Mark Kermode alongside an appreciative
Edinburgh audience, giving the film the tearing apart it deserves.
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