"Do I Need To Take My Medication?"

I have had an in depth discussion about this and have more or less come
to the conclusion that it would be a lot better to throw in
the towel in terms of wanting a proper radio job.

I'll go through this in bullet points as to why I may be lacking the
enthusiasm;

1: I always insist of having a radio switched off in a social situation
with my parents.

2: I can never listen to a specific station as just background as opposed
to my own music on my laptop.

3: I feel incredibly uncomfortable having it on in a car with other people
especially if it's tuned to a station or show I'm not particularly keen on.

4: Negative comments on message boards have discouraged rather
than encouraged me.

and 5:

I'll tell it fucking straight. I feel as if I'm being looked down on by
a lot of people from all years on the course who have prestigious
roles at various stations, companies etc.

I'm more than happy to take on a voluntary role wherever.

But I won't be fucking judged upon.

Hang on a second....

I really shouldn't have said that at all.

It was the non-stop backstabbing in the first place that discouraged
me from wanting to get there and I'll explain it straight
in what I would like to be doing.

A job that involves a lot of computer editing on audio software
packages either looking after station or show branding, or working
on podcasts.

I know my website can be improved on but
the whole frustration around reaching my aim is going really too far.

I didn't realise you had to develop skills in licking so many backsides
your mouth permanently tastes of excrement.

That fucking course lead me to developing a mental illness
that took me a year to recover from and I'm in danger of it
happening all over again.

It's as if I had a curse impaled on me.

Has the last decade been a fucking lie in terms of searching to achieve
ambition?

I know what I'm really searching for.

1: A stable space in London where I'm able "to be me".

2: A steady job to look after payments.

3: With the first two set in stone, "that special someone" who would
allow me to come out of my shell whilst sharing my interests in music
and socialising in exterior locations or one of the many restaurants
in London.

Whilst at the same time trying new things as well and being a hell
of a lot more open minded for them in exchange.

I have written this entire blog post whilst listening to an album by
The Perri Sisters from 20 years ago.

It's a much needed hug, I certainly won't get one of those by
having my DAB switched on, and I feel a lot more myself.

It's had me feel worried as if I really have changed since moving to Canterbury first time round at an early age.

It can just be incredibly hard to ask questions and have the balls
to accept the genuine tough answers.

I don't want this to happen again but I'm coming very close
to doing so I'm afraid.

If my Facebook online status remains grey for more than a day
or my MSN status is switched off, then you'll know why.

Just please, anyone who reads this regardless of how well they're doing,
stop reminding me I'm a fucking failure.

I've got the message, now get off your high horses and
go screw yourselves.